Okay, forget normal. Do you believe that at any given point in time any of us achieve wholeness? I realize that at any moment our wholeness could be taken from us and another healing process would start again. But I have to ask: Is being made complete always a process and direction in which we are going or is it ever, even for a split second, a destination to which we arrive prior to heaven if we are in Christ?
If you know me well, you know this is not purely an intellectual question. Just about every question I have for God comes out of some painful place, this time being one where I am frustrated and disgusted by my retarded maturity. I can answer with all honesty that there have been times when I have felt complete satisfaction, complete joy, or an overtaking of complete Love, but never completeness or a sense of being entirely whole.
We are supposed to be growing and pressing on toward the goal of completion, and yet, it seems as I grow older, I feel more inadequate than I did when I was younger. When I was young, it appeared (key phrase) that I was more together than I am now. Now, I just feel more exposed, more vulnerable—and yet, because of that, more compassionate and more indebted to God for His new mercies each day. I don’t want this to be self-absorbed contemplation, but I ask today, because several of my sisters in Christ are asking some of the same questions. I ask because I see others who seem to have it together more than I, who are definitely farther along in their walk toward Christ. I ask because I feel stunted in the same old areas where I struggle. I ask because I wonder if you, too, ever feel a sense of disappointing God.
I seem to be more effective in His Kingdom when I forget my own lack of proficiency in being a useable instrument. I simply say if You will redeem and use me, here I am. I find great freedom in that. I could argue with God about being all slow of speech like Moses, but my tongue is faster than my brain so that would be more of what my “But God. . .” would look like. I could argue that I am so fearful and am a terrible representative for His Name because I show so little fruit in all that He has shown me. And all of that would be true, but of very little relevance to God.
I know that He equips us for every good work, and He can even use a donkey to accomplish His purposes, with or without my cooperation. His Will will be done. The only question is whether or not I go willingly. Any time I feel defeated to the point of being unusable by God in an area, it is more about an unwillingness on my part and perhaps self pity and false humility. Lord, let me be more like Samuel with his “Here am I. Speak, for your servant is listening” attitude.
I guess we all are where we are, and nothing else is really a relevant question. Being whole will one day be a reality, even if it isn’t day after tomorrow. And maybe being broken (and having a God-size hole) is a vital part to becoming whole. Feeling defeated is not from God, and He only makes it relevant to Him out of His compassion for us. He knows better because He is the God Who completes us, the Lord of all hope and promise. He is the future. He is the healing. He is.
Thank you for this blog…. it confirms how I’ve been feeling lately…. wondering if I’m growing in my Christian walk because of certain weaknesses that plague me….. I have been a Christian for many years, and know that God loves and cares for me… so often we look at other women (and I know I can’t compare myself to them), and think how mature they are in their faith.
God, help us to put aside the things that would bind us and press on, with our eyes on you, the author and finisher of our faith.
Annie, your blog always speaks volumes to my heart, and thank you sharing…you are a gem!
In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. Prov. 3:6
“Here am I. Speak, for your servant is listening.”
Heavenly Father, I pray for my dear friend, Annie, that you would wash over her today anew with your mercies and let her know how much you love her. She so wants to bring you glory and to those who know and love her, she does, with every stroke of her keyboard and every word spoken…..no, she isn’t perfect and she dreams for the day she will be when she’ll no longer hurt You, but until then please comfort her and give her strength. Help her to acknowledge you in everything she says and everything she does and in every reaction, so that you can direct her paths in the very next step. Please give her the attitude she so desires when she says with Samuel, “Here am I, speak for your servant is listening.”
In Christ’s precious name I pray, Amen.