I had a victory today. Most people would call it a routine errand. Most would. My biggest enemy is my own self. My brain runs faster than my tired body can keep up with. I am trapped in a marathon race I did not sign up for. Many days are a struggle. Some are not. There is no explanation or reason to it. It makes no sense and that is what drives me the craziest. There is no real cure, bar a miracle, for which hope I cling. Mostly, I simply deal with it. Clinically, it’s called anxiety or panic. Physically, it’s exhausting. Spiritually, it’s called failure. Today, victory was being able to stand in a line at Kinko’s without having to leave or take a pill. Life can be so hard. I have a wonderful life. And I make the simple stuff hard. How foolish is that?
Yesterday, I was irritated with a guy working in my home that sang like an American Idol reject. Not sure why it irritated me, but in my defense, there was a lot of noise in the house. Then today, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to wait in that line. In the car, I heard Rich Mullins singing, “Hold me, Jesus. I’m shaking like a leaf. You have been King of my Glory. Won’t you be my Prince of Peace?” There’s a theme song for me. Tears spilled over the corners of my eyes because I know that He is my Peace. Where is He today? The pathetic part is I believe. Christ’s Truth is within me. I know He’s the Savior of the World and of my life. I know He is the peace that passes all understanding. I know He is life and joy and truth and love, and He is everything to me. I hold these truths as absolute but they are not self evident. (Matthew 7:20) “By their fruits ye shall know them.”
I realized a while ago that I never have anxiety when I sing. So, here’s what worked today: You can’t have a joyful heart and anxiety at the same time. They are polar opposites. When I walked into Kinko’s, the girl in the back was singing with the background music as she worked. So, I smiled really big, and told her she looked like she was having entirely too much fun. She paused a second, uncertain if I was sincere, so I added, “That is so great. You bring a smile to this place.” And I started to hum as I waited, successfully, for my order. I can’t hum everywhere, and I would definitely be an American Idol reject, but I can have a joyful heart. I can count it all joy as James 1 says. I can know joy and abandon fear.
Please hear my heart on this: If one of you tells me how sorry you are for me, this post will be for naught. But if this helps just one, I’ll count it as another sweet joy today. And I’ll sing.