oh, the depth

Everything used to be so black and white. Right was right. Wrong was wrong. No shades of gray or overlap of good and bad. No uncertainty. . .no struggle. I’m not sure when  it happened but somewhere along the way, amazing Technicolor™ entered the picture. Technicolor Truth didn’t look like my old version. It had multi-faceted layers that I had never seen before. And the fires of self-righteousness heated up within me. The black and white arrogance struggled. An all-out war ensued inside me that hasn’t completely settled yet. The kind of battles where something has to die. Little by little, I feel the old self slipping away, and a new type of vulnerability settles in its place, and with it comes a peace—a place where I don’t have to understand everything. Someone greater and purer than I knows and will sort it all out.

Yesterday, I had one of those day when nothing made sense. I found out another friend, a young woman with four small children, has breast cancer. I am astounded at her words of faith: “I am excited that I have the privilege of walking this road with so many. He will do great things.” Somehow, God has a good plan for her. For her life. For her family. And yet, I shed tears for the path ahead for her. It won’t be easy. But for the Grace of God, how could anybody stand when facing such uncertainty?

The only thing I know for certain this morning is that I don’t know. My mother used to say, “The more I know, the more I know I don’t know.” It’s a defenseless place to be, especially for a control freak like me. Can I say honestly that I don’t understand ‘good’ and ‘light’ and ‘no darkness at all? And yet my soul resonates in Truth that He is. Addison Road’s song question comes to mind: “What do I know of holy?” I’m not sure I walk away with any answers at all, but I receive a comforting hug from my Father, “I’m taking care of things. Just take My hand, and keep walking toward Me.”  I rise from my knees, reminded,  Lord, You know.

Now before you start thinking I’m having an attack of wavering faith, please know that it’s a sweet place. A place where a little more of me dies to self to live unto Him. I do not doubt that there is Absolute Goodness and Truth, but it’s not black and white anymore. It’s filled with all the colors of His Righteousness. It’s a techni-colored brilliance with dimensions that I cannot begin to comprehend, but can trust is completely good.

Please pray with me for Lisa through her season of illness that she will be nothing less than carried by Our Savior in healing and will continue to bring Him all the glory.

Romans 11:33-36 “Oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways! “For who has known the mind of the Lord, or who has been his counselor?” “Or who has given a gift to him that he might be repaid?” For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen.”


5 thoughts on “oh, the depth

  1. I can hardly read her blog without crying. Actually, I can’t. When she looks at it as an opportunity to Glorify God… to reach someone who needs Him… When she steps completely out of herself and asks us to pray for her family and loved-ones… I’m am touched so deeply. Annette, you have so much compassion for every person in your life. I don’t know anyone more compassionate than you. I know you wouldn’t want me to say that, but it’s true. I don’t know why God keeps surrounding you with friends with breast cancer. I don’t understand it either.
    I love you for being obedient and being there…
    Angie xoxo

  2. I’ve been thinking a lot about Joseph lately. How difficult things were for him…he had every reason to be bitter, frustrated, angry. And yet he kept saying, “look what God is doing!” (makes me wish for a little more detail in Genesis. After all, Moses got tons of time. Surely we could have a few more details about Joseph.)

    Praying for Lisa and her family tonight…


  3. Virginia, I’m not sure it is hard black and white for Him. I think He came to confound the wise and to shake up all our misconceptions on what really is good, what really is holy, what really is. He’s absolute and wholly good, but not the flat black and white that we can comprehend. He is the rich fullness of color in Truth, the kind we can’t even step on our tiptoes to grasp. I think I’ve made God too small and neat. What do you think? I’m not thinking big enough if I think His good looks like mine.

    I’d love to hear your thoughts. Love, A

  4. I will join you in prayer for Lisa. I’ve always preferred color around me; but cold hard black & white is His choice in life, right?

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